I’m going to do something I haven’t done before on this blog. I’m going to complain about myself. Because, really, I’m starting to feel that people think I’m this crazy coffee-juggling monster who thinks all customers are stupid, and can’t use machinery or even order correctly. Whilst some of this is true, I thought I’d even the score by recounting some of my worst customer service moments, or the stupid things I’ve done.
The biggest one is usually when you can’t hear someone, or understand them, through a thick accent, or even worse, if they’re deaf and you don’t realise, and saying ‘Excuse me?’ over and over until you just make it up and hope it’s someone else’s problem. Pretty damn bad.
Possibly even worse (but it’s over a lot quicker) is the backlash from asking the same four questions over and over again, because you stop hearing the answers, because you’re so used to the process of asking the question.
So someone will order a ‘small vanilla latte to take away’, and before you can stop yourself, you ask ‘Is that for here or take away?’ and then they say ‘Take away’ with this widening of the eyes like they wonder how you even managed to tie your shoelaces this morning, let alone fill in the application form for this job. And you apologise, and get embarassed, and then you’ve completely forgotten their drink order.
Forgetting the first drink they ordered whilst they’re describing the second one. To be fair, this is usually a bit difficult because you’re writing one thing whilst you’re brain is processing another, so once you’re hand has finished writing, your brain spasms. And you just stare at the cup in your hand, trying to think of a not-stupid way to get the customer to repeat exactly what they’ve just told you, without thinking you’re a pleb. Usually, I rattle off the first one (because it’s in my hand) and then slow down and say ‘and then there was also a …small…cap/lat/amer/’ based on what I thought it sounded like, or what kind of person they seem to be. Some people are the Americano type. Ones who are not afraid of being dependent on caffeine. Some look like decaf, they are altogether less jittery and usually speak more quietly.
Most people at this juncture roll their eyes, or if I’m lucky and it’s the last twenty minutes of an eight hour shift, and I look sufficiently rattled, they’ll just grin. And I grin. And that way, we both agree I’m an idiot. They’re not laughing at me, they’re laughing near me.
Accidentally swearing when the card machine doesn’t work, even if it’s under your breath, and the customer thinking you’re calling them a ‘deranged fuckwit’. Yeah, not good. And convincing them that you’re calling a piece of non-functional machinery names, well, it’s harder than you’d think.
Oh, and mishearing, that’s a great one. Not only you mishearing the customers (when you’re repeating the same phrase they’ve just said back to them three times, and still have no idea, and have to call in someone slightly more foreign than you to run language interference? Yeah, that’s when you know you’re just too English), but the customers mishearing you.
For example. Lady orders a coffee, finishes the transaction, I hand her the drink. She’s putting her change back in her purse, and it’s a quiet moment. I say ‘thank you’ (for her custom, not for the snail’s pace at which she is rearranging her purse) and she looks up, bemused. Doesn’t say anything, just tilts her head to the side, causing me to say ‘Oh, sorry, I was just saying thank you.’
She mishears this, and thinks I’m prompting her to say thank you to me, and that I think she’s rude. So she says ‘Thank you, really’ and storms out.
I truly await the day that everything will be computerised. Or we at least communicate through some simpler form. Like semaphore.
Category Archives: Bitter Grinds
Miss-Frickin-Barista
The Curious Case of the Coffee Misers
It is a fact universally acknowledged that any person in a recession in need of a cup of coffee, will try and get as much free stuff as possible.
No, seriously.
Even where I work, a chain coffee shop populated by people in Armani suits, driving Bentleys. If people can get a free shot, or an extra syrup, they will. They will ask for an espresso macchiato (2 shots, short cup, foam) but in a bigger cup, and mostly milk. Hi there, that’s a latte, cheapskate. Or a cup of chai tea, but actually, half a cup of soya milk, steamed. Hello, that’s a chai tea latte with soya.
The hilarious thing about this is that we OFFER all these extras for free, if you register a card. Free soya, free whip cream, free syrup. But somehow, that doesn’t count, if you don’t talk people into it. Some people have to be the kind of people who order a hot chocolate with cream, eat all the cream, and come back, accusing you of not putting enough on.
To be honest, if you smiled shrugged and said ‘Sorry, I’m a bit of a greedy bastard, d’ya mind?’ I would give you a cup full of cream with extra sprinkles. Why? Because, crazy-rich-stingy people, being NICE gets you pretty far with the average barista/waitress/checkout girl. You would know that, if you ever had to do one of these shitty jobs.
However, sadly, working for a large company means that doesn’t always come across. Because, for a large company, if you give us shit, we have to give you whatever you want. Because we want to make you happy. Or rather, we want you to walk all over our squished faces with shit on the bottom of your shoes, because if you dare moan about us to your friends, well, bad things happen. You go to Costa, or Pret, or any other expensive soulless coffee shop that competes with us. So what do the heads of industry decide the right course of action is?
Give you whatever you want.
No seriously, if you have no shame, you can try it. Eat half your sandwich and take it back. It was off, it was wrong, you are ASHAMED of this establishment and that it would DARE to serve you such a food product and deem to call it a MEAL.
HOW can you charge fifteen pence more per cup of coffee? You don’t CARE that there’s a VAT rise, it’s RIDICULOUS. You have paid THIS price for three years, you ALWAYS pay that much, and how DARE we try and make you pay more.
We do actually have to take money out of our own tips to pay for customers who are enough of a pain in the arse to refuse progress in the most obvious way. Thanks for that, government. You raise VAT, piss off our customers that are scared of change, and we have to pay for it.
So yeah, I guess I’m telling you how to go and take advantage of people like me, but it’s pretty damn easy to take advantage of a minimum wage coffee monkey. And if you’re smart, and smile, and say ‘Hey there, how do I make my coffee as cheap and tasty as possible?’ I will probably give you as many free extras as I possibly can.
So yeah, a smile will get you a long way. That said, so will just choosing something you can afford. And if overpriced coffee is suddenly out of your price range with an extra fifteen pence on top, then maybe you should re-establish your priorities.
Here endeth the rant. 
