I’m very good at hating stuff. As I’m sure you know, I can rant for a very long time about very minor and unimportant things. Which is why this blog exists.
So I decided to have a page about other things I hate, besides entitled customers and the smell of burnt soya milk.
Check back to see whether it’s been updated in a blind (but hopefully humorous) rage.
- Books with movie covers
2. People who use the phrase ‘addicting’, as in ‘facebook is so addicting’. Go fuck yourself. No really. You’ll find it’s quite addictive. Arsehole.
3. People who drive Range Rovers. You. Yes, you. Why the fuck are you driving a beast of a car in London? Do you regularly drive through the countryside? And when I say drive, I mean are you mowing down cows and horses, left right and centre? Because that’s what your driving would seem to suggest. Just because you can afford to drop 30k on a car, doesn’t mean you bought the rights to the fucking road. Also, having one child doesn’t mean you suddenly need a car bigger than my first flat. Get back on your side of the road.
4. People who don’t indicate. See above for Range Rover wankers.
5. People who drive a Prius and then expect us to thank them for saving the fucking world. Firstly, they’re just as damaging in the process that creates the car, and secondly, you want to be thanked for saving something, join a movement, ride your bike, just stop talking about it like you’ve made such a goddamn sacrifice by downgrading to a Toyota. Arsehole.
6. Reality TV shows that refuse to die despite the ratings.
Seriously, Big Brother? SERIOUSLY? My mother turned this on for fifteen endless minutes this evening, and all it sounded like was a bunch of drunken chimpanzees screeching about something to do with pants. ‘I live in the playboy mansion, but don’t show my arse on TV! I’ll sue you!’ Eventually, after ten agonising minutes, I ended up screaming at the TV: SHUT UP, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU’RE IMPORTANT, ARE YOU? YOU’RE SO FUCKING SPECIAL?
I had to go for a run to undo the rage. Listening to people argue in the real world is bad enough, and gives me an ulcer. So hearing a bunch of unlikable strangers screaming about absolute bullshit really damages my calm. I suppose the only thing to look forward to, seeing as this show won’t die, is it’s reincarnation in ten years as an alternative to prison, where offenders are sent to live in the house and undertake terrifying and humiliating tasks for the public’s amusement. The last one left in gets to go free. For the rest, ‘eviction’ means the death penalty. That’ll be something, I guess.
7. Men in Ugg Boots
Did you know that Ugg Boots actually came from the phrase ‘Ugly Boots’ which is what they were called in their original term, worn by shepherds? I read this in an Australian travel guide, so it must be right. Did you also know that even if you’re a total hottie, wearing these stupid slippers out in public and TUCKING YOUR FUCKING TROUSERS INTO THEM decreases your ability to pull by 30%? That’s right. It’s maths. Did you also know you’re 18% less likely to get laid, 49% more likely to get run over and 104% more likely to run screaming from a cafe after a barista tears you down for looking like a twat. It’s just wrong. It’s a MORAL ISSUE. There was a VERY pretty man today. I would have swooned. And then I saw his shoes. Men of the world, take note: Feel free to spend over a hundred pounds on shoes. Feel free to buy shoes at Primark. Just. Not. Uggs.
*Only 60% of the figures in this rant are true.