We, The Enablers.
Sometimes, I think of myself as a drug dealer. Because really, that is what I am. Sure, I’m a legal drug dealer, just as the bartenders and off-licence lackeys are. But ultimately, I’m an enabler. And Christmas is the best time to see this.
Because people get really excited about whether or not to add gingerbread to their normal drink. They go ga-ga for whipped cream. And they dope themselves up on caffeine and sugar to make it through the holiday period.
Now, I make it sound like a bad thing, but enjoying a cup of coffee is fine, but in this New Year, maybe it’s time to question some of your habits. Why do you NEED your espresso macchiato to be ‘bone dry’? Is it really just that it’s how you like it, or is it that making a barista create something that only you have makes you feel a bit special?
Have you considered that perhaps it’s not the coffee itself that you are addicted to, but that feeling you get when we greet you, and instead of calling out the drinks order, just call out your name, because we all know how you like it? Doesn’t that give you a little thrill, a rush of power?
If this is the case, I regret to inform you that you’re probably an attention whore. We’ll put up with it until you start requesting copies of Da Vinci paintings on your Flat Whites, and then you’re out of here.
Do you really like the taste of that triple-shot, extra-hot-soya-wet-cappuccino? Or do you just like the way it rolls off the tongue, in that second of release, defining you as a person? A person who knows about their kind of coffee, who is special, not only for ordering a disgusting drink, but for being one of the few people who can actually say it?
Do you think it endears you to us? Do you think we go ‘Oh, yay, it’s that lady with the half-eggnog, half-soya again! I do so love getting two disgusting milk substitutes on my face! Yay! She’s so clever, with that clever drink!’
Maybe, in 2012, when you go through that inevitable breakdown that will happen if we just once can’t create the drink you need, you might examine your priorities. Why does it matter? Why is it so very, very important for you to be so special in a coffee shop? Why do you have to specialise everything, personalise it to you? You go into a restaurant and order one meal, but substitute everything, don’t you?
I need you to realise something: you’re high maintenance. And if you continue to be so, not only will you understand that you’re not at all made special by your continual customisation, but that no-one will ever love you.
Especially not your barista.
So think about that, would you? In the spirit of existential crises, and caffeinated beverages, and for everyone’s sanity. Just…stop being a dick, okay?